Ashamed and not proud of it
by aprun
Summary: Robin never got to leave Slade, and Slade is never going to let him go. Robin!Apprentice story, T for violence and language.


Ashamed and not proud of it

Disclaimed: I do not own Teen Titans.

Jump City was cold tonight. On the streets, a darkly dressed boy wandered, not much different from any night go-ers that were still out. However, little did anyone know was that this was Robin, former boy wonder. Now, he worked for a terrible villain named Slade, forced to due so under the threat of the extermination of his friends. Surprisingly, Slade allowed him out of the haunt when not on missions or training (disguised, of course. Robin was glad that he looked so different without hair gel. He didn't want to incur any fights with his friends if he could help it, and keeping his eyes hidden was still one of the only things Slade allowed him). Robin used the time out to clear his head and help him to sleep. He had been ashamed of himself. Ashamed for every last minute and thrill that he had had in Slade's grip.

"I have stolen, and hurt people. I have trained under an evil mastermind who is bent on destroying good. And I have so many regrets," Thought Robin, as he considered his current situation. He kicked a stone away from him and walked back to the haunt. Slade would be expecting him back, and the controller was still his invisible leash.

* * *

The air in Slade's haunt was stale and cold, and the sound of the clockwork all showed valuable aspects of his _master's_ personality. Robin still had hope that by staying with Slade, he could somehow find his weaknesses, and henceforth be able to save his friends as well as himself. However, the longer he stayed with him, the more he feared for his life. For one, Slade was a horrific asshole.

Robin (re)discovered that one day, when he found himself puking his guts out.  
"Ah, I see you finally had a reaction to the venom," Slade said, as he bent over Robin's kneeling form.

"Gah, cough cough, what?!" Robin wheezed, as another spasm of pain ripped through him.

"Immunity Robin. As you can see, you are still susceptible to most types of poisons. And diseases. Tsk tsk, not keeping up with your booster shots?" Slade gave Robin a kick to his side that sent him rolling several feet. Too weak to get up, Robin could only choke on his vomit a bit until he was able to roll over.

"You'll continue receiving doses of poison until you are fully immune, and I'll see you in a few hours for combat training," Slade turned around and walked out of the room as Robin crawled to the bathroom.

"Such...a...freaking...asshole," Robin thought as he continued to spend the following hours next to white ceramic.

Robin was not always fighting in Jump City. At first, Robin was sent out on several missions, and made to fight against the Titans. Once it became obvious that Robin could curbstomp his friends within minutes of meeting them, Slade began to focus on other training methods.

* * *

For instance, Robin and Slade would sometimes travel the world as Slade completed contracts. At first, he attempted to stop Slade in these attempts (Slade made him watch, and kept decreasing the distance from which he watched until he was right next to Slade). But either he would lose which would result in many sore bruises, or Slade would threaten his friends with the controller. During these trips, Slade would have him blend with the local culture (he now had shaky but working knowledge of at least 20 languages), or help him track down a target.

And then one airplane ride (on a private jet, to keep under radar), Slade kicked him off a plane with only a parachute and anything he had on him (which wasn't much, a few explosives, a sharp throwing S, and non-suitable clothing). Literally opened the airplane door and then kicked him. He did this _ten_ times, in different environments. Robin was forced to survive in the wild for about a week or more, until Slade picked him up or until he reached a specified location. That asshole would usually be sitting in front of a roaring fire with the furs of recent kills decorating the place or a magnificent feast with him sipping a glass of wine (Bastard). After the first time of facing complete air, Robin learned to be extra paranoid and always carry items such as a swiss army knife on him.

It was rough, being forced to live off the land. At night, when he was cooking an animal he had killed for survival, Robin would ashamedly think how disappointed Beast Boy would be in him. This usually set off a chain of guilt over what he had seen and done. There was one pleasure that Robin reveled in, it was the knowledge that Slade was wrong about one thing. He would never learn to enjoy this; his extreme guilt would never allow it.

* * *

There was one time when Robin had attempted to leave Slade.

"I'm done Slade! There's no way you can stop me!" Robin shouted, as he looked up at his _master_. Slade stood up from his chair (throne?) and walked down the stairs with his arms folded behind him.

"So you no longer care for your friends? Your so called family?" Slade asked this in a questioning manner.

"Go ahead, kill them. Then you won't have anything else holding me here," Robin stared down Slade, and he truly hoped this gambit would work. Slade held up the controller and clicked it. Behind him, the monitors of the teen titans began to glow orange. Robin stared for a moment, and then turned around and walked towards the exit. Then a strange thing began to occur. Sounds of the Titans screaming began to fill his ears. Robin looked around as fast as he could to locate his friends, but he could not see them. He began to be aware that this was simply an audio recording, or worse a live transmission. Their agonized, pained moans grew louder and louder, and he couldn't take it anymore. Robin slumped to his knees.

"Slade..._master_...please, please stop. I'll stay; I'll do whatever you say. Just please. I'm _begging_ you," Robin was sure that Slade delayed releasing the trigger (bastardbastardbastard), but eventually the monitors went back to normal. And after Slade gave him a thrashing to remember, Robin realized that this was his new normal. That there would not be any escape, until death. But Robin wasn't at that point yet. Not yet.

* * *

After watching Slade complete his umpteenth kill, Robin attacked Slade once again. He had begun to understand that Slade viewed these fights as training, and had begun to adapt many of Slade's moves to his own. This led to longer fights, but Slade still seemed to be invincible. Slade had also stopped wearing the controller, instead placing it and many decoys in multiple locations (Robin searched for it whenever he could get away, and had come close to destroying it a couple times until Slade beat him down). Their many fights ended up being therapeutic, where they simultaneously talked about issues.

"Why do you bring me with you?" Robin asked, as he made a swipe at Slade's mask. Slade attempted to do a roundhouse kick, which Robin was able to back flip from.

"To teach you, my dear apprentice," Slade said as he successfully landed a punch on Robin's midsection. Robin quickly recovered and kicked Slade's calf.

"I'll never kill! Never! There's no way you can justify killing another human being!" Robin landed another few combos on Slade. He simply took the beating. Then, as Robin went to punch Slade again, Slade grabbed his arm and held him up until he was off the ground. Robin was punched repeatedly in the stomach and then thrown onto the floor, where he was held down. Slade bent down, until his mask was mere inches from Robin's face.

"You don't believe that any killing is justifiable? Not even to save another's life? How hypocritical apprentice, when you save a victim from their attacker, only for their attacker to be released due to thin laws and come back to finish the job. But since you still won't believe that killing is necessary, let me _teach_ you, " He released Robin, and walked away, leaving Robin to wonder what horror Slade had prepared for him next.

* * *

He had half expected Slade to give him a gun and force him to kill a random man, or be forced to watch Slade use the controller. An ultimatum that would leave Robin a murderer. However, and very unexpectedly, Slade took him to Gotham. At that point, Robin began to fear that he would be forced to hunt down his former partner. That is, until Robin found himself sitting in the back of a car for days on end. They had been sitting in front of an immigrant community for the past few days, and despite any questions Robin asked, Slade would not divulge any information. Finally, Robin saw a man he never thought he would see ever again. A man that haunted his nightmares, the ones where he remembered his failure to warn his parents of their impending doom and their accusing screams that drew out every fear and guilt he had. _Tony Zucco_. At this point, Robin began to attempt to leave the car to beat up Zucco (Slade had used child locks, the _bastard_, and a minor scuffle inside the car ensured).

"Calm _down_ Robin," Slade growled, as he held Robin against his seat. Robin dimly thought that if any Gothamites had been able to look inside the darkened windows of the car, they would think a prostitution was happening and still go on their own way. And, when Robin was finally able to stop thrashing, and his breathing calmed down, he waited for Slade to talk.

"Batman never gave you vengeance, he never even gave you Justice. But luckily for you, someone has taken a hit on dear Zucco. He overstretched himself, it would seem. So your first assignment will be him, and you will do it my way. _Understood?_" Robin sat there, breathing heavily. Slade released him, and climbed back into the driver's seat.

Later that night, Robin realized that this meant at least two things. 1. Slade knew his secret identity. 2. His morals were not as firm as he believed them to be.

* * *

At times, Robin thought he wouldn't be able to go through with Slade's plan. He thought endlessly of turning Zucco over to the police and Batman. And then, on his stakeouts of Zucco's daily life and thorough research on his past, he realized he _would _be willing to ruthlessly kill this man.

It had turned out that since leaving Gotham, Zucco had continued the protection racket. Multiple families had been hurt by this man. In fact, Tony Zucco was so successful at making money from protection money that he had felt confident enough to come back to Gotham and start up a gang. Since learning this fact, Robin felt enraged that Batman nor any police force had not already taken down this man. So, as Slade taught him how to do research on a target (this somehow helped Robin to dehumanize Zucco) and plan an assassination, Robin soaked it up a lot more readily than he thought he would. In fact, Robin was sure that Slade was lengthening this assassination to teach him more than he needed.

But finally, the moment came when he had a sniper's rifle aimed at Zucco's head.

"Excellent Robin, aim at the head. It's the most difficult shot, but finishing the assassination in one go will give you ample time to run away. For lesser known targets, you can aim at the chest area, since they're less likely to wear Kevlar or have immediate access to medical facilities. Account for the wind and any passing animals," Robin mechanically did as Slade told.

"Will it hurt?" Robin asked, as he finished making the last adjustments.

"No,"

And then Robin pulled the trigger. At last, he learned the one thing he would take with him forever, _"Some people deserve to die,"_

* * *

Surprisingly enough, Batman found out about Robin killing Zucco much sooner than discovering Zucco at all. It felt strange to be willingly running away with Slade from his former mentor. For the past few months, he had always dreamed of Batman coming to save him from Slade. But now it was too late. Robin had killed, which meant he had violated his oath to Batman. But Robin felt no guilt over Zucco's death.

"He should have gotten Zucco, he should have gotten him before I found him," Robin thought angrily. There was simply too little done, and any saving done had happened too late.

"We'll escape from the country for a couple of months. Batman does not dare leave his city unintended for too long." Slade said, as they boarded a plane deep within the mountains. Robin gave one last glance at Gotham City, before finally turning back to Slade.

"Let's go,"

* * *

On the airplane ride, Robin finally took off his mask in front of Slade.

"Call me Dick," Robin said simply. Slade nodded once, and that was that. Robin was dead.

* * *

Dick had initially thought that they would continue the business of completing contracts (except with Dick doing some of the killings). It turned out that Slade had been hiding a large portion of his criminal empire from him until he had completed his first murder; the point at which he could fully trust Robin as a criminal companion. He had even presented the controller to him as a birthday present (Dick hadn't even realized it was his birthday, which meant Slade really did know his secret identity).

And so, Dick began to learn the ins and outs of Slade's business as a proper apprentice. Only, for some reason, he began to be sick day in and day out. At the very least fatigued, he was sure (hoped, really) that he had completed the poison portion of his training.

"Improvements Dick. Trust me, you'll thank me when it's all over,"

His inability to train physically meant that more mental lessons were taught. For instance, in the criminal business, there was a depressing amount of paperwork.

"You need to learn all the loopholes and laws Dick. How will you ever hope to escape legal litigation if you don't know how they are prosecuting you?"

And there was also the fact that much of what Slade did, was, in fact legal.

"My biggest customers have always been the U.S. government and U.S. businesses. They regularly hire contractors as their arm in other parts of the world. Parts where it would be suspicious if the U.S. government interfered,"

By the end of it, Dick Grayson felt the lines between good and evil blur into a grayness.

* * *

After Dick got better, he realized how much _better _he was. Fights against Slade ended in stalemates now, and he could shrug off even the hardest hit to the gut. Faster, stronger, better. And maybe even insane. In any case, he was now well enough to participate in Slade's mercenary business. And a mercenary's business was apparently war.

Dick found himself in a third world country facing a small group of U.S. soldiers contracted by businesses to protect their interests in the area. A civil war had broken out and now there was all out war within the cities. Dick had seen plenty of murders and terrible devastation in between seeing the aftermath of villains in Gotham and Slade's own killings. However, he had never seen the extent of human cruelty and senselessness as such that is found in war. And yet, he found himself in command of a small legion of people whose lives depended on his own. At first, he only knocked out combatants. Soon, he found himself killing anyone who posed a threat, or might later come back to kill him and any of his men. _His_ men. Slade stood in the background, but otherwise was gone.

"If you die, it means you aren't worthy to be my apprentice," Slade said, before he departed for other parts of the world. And so Dick stayed in this small country, whose people killed and raped each other for invisible, untouchable ideals, for even worser people who paid more.

* * *

There came a time when Dick realized Slade had to die. Now calling himself Renegade, any compulsions against killing were now gone. Although surprisingly, Slade had taught him that a few moral standards in the business were allowed.

"No killing children. Women are allowed if they're too much of a nuisance to be alive. Superheroes are off limits unless the risks are low and the money is high enough. They cause too much trouble otherwise. Unless, of course, you take them all out at once," Slade turned a sideways glance at Renegade.

These restrictions were of great comfort to Renegade, who still felt some stirrings of Justice. It also made him realize that Slade never intended to kill the Titans with the controller. If he had, then he would have had no leverage over him. It was a terribly big bluff that made Renegade feel foolish. But he knew there was a lesson in all this. Tactics were now a huge part of his training, as he learned to make plans on a grand scale. He toyed with superheroes, played with minds as if they were clay. And Renegade began to use all these lessons to plan Slade's assassination. Because the first lesson that Dick had accepted was this "Some people deserve to die," and Slade was one of them.

* * *

He didn't see Slade as often anymore. They communicated mainly through video calls and radio. Renegade was now a major part of Slade's criminal enterprise, so he was often sent out on missions. He still had some 'homework' assignments, such as the building of sladebots (Dick saw the value of them now. With robots, you can kill off an endless supply. Being in charge of men made you responsible, and in many ways vulnerable). However, every once in a while, Slade would allow Renegade to come and fight with him, just to see how his skills were progressing. And so, during one of these matches, Renegade finally came at Slade with everything he had. Used guns and robots, and every dirty trick in the book. And when the time came for him to do the finishing act, he used his bo staff to stab Slade in the throat. When he removed Slade's mask, he found a face too heavily broken and bruised to be identified.

That's when he spotted Wintergreen. Still caught up in a murderous rage, he advanced on the butler and prepared to kill him to tie up loose ends. Wintergreen merely pointed a remote behind him.

"So Dick, you've finally killed me," Slade's voice echoed behind him, and Dick quickly turned around to see if Slade had somehow risen from the dead.

"Hehe, congratulations. I'm so proud, _son.._." A bitter taste was left in his throat. He listened to the video go on for a while more. Slade had detailed how to pick up the pieces of his empire, as well as some very revealing information. This was his last will and testament. A mad man's delusion and plans on how to take over the world. The bastard had planned to be killed by Dick from the very start. As it ended, Dick turned around to try and find Wintergreen, but he was already gone. But Dick felt exhausted, and tired. And so, he slept right next to Slade's cooling body.

Dick knew that there was only one way to fully escape Slade. To settle down, pretend that he didn't know how to kill a man a thousand different ways, start a family. Completely throw away every single lesson Slade had ever taught him, and leave behind the business of supervillains and superheroes. And even when he would wake up from nightmares of this whole experience, smile and laugh hard for the rest of the day. Then, when he was old and surrounded by grandchildren, then he would be able to leave Slade behind.

* * *

But then again, he was never just Slade's apprentice; Dick thought as he put on a red helmet.

* * *

A/N: So, it's been a real long while since I've written anything. I had this floating in my head ever since I got obsessed with the teen titans again (damn you teen titans go!). Every single episode I watch on boomerang makes me laugh or cry or both. And for some reason, I have become as obsessed with Slade as Robin. No joke, Ron Perlman's voice is magnificent.

In any case, this has led to a reading of many apprentice stories(a way overdone plotline, I know), and I've found that a common theme is physical/emotional/sexual abuse. Probably since everyone saw what Slade did to Terra. But I have a theory that that was just Slade being vengeful or distrustful after seeing disloyalty from his apprentices. For instance, say what you like about Slade, he did end up helping Terra control her powers (after Terra and before and during betrayal) And she seemed pretty normal after that part of her training. As for Robin...well Slade's a very hands on teacher. I get the feeling that he's a, if you don't die then you get stronger. And Robin does seem to have picked up many moves from Slade (Someone should make a youtube video of that! Compare Slade's moves to Robin's. They were certainly able to coordinate well in The End).

So basically, my characterization of Slade is that he truly wanted a successor, and not just someone to be his slave/pet. He could have an infinite amount of those via robots or just messing with anybody. He's also very distrustful, so I don't see him letting people close to him unless they 'prove' themselves to him. Or get too far down the bad road to have anywhere else to go. Slade wants to control people, but realistically has to have them be individualistic enough to be able to one day take over from him.

I also changed it around so that Slade was more of a mercenary running his own business than a contract killer/assassin. As we know, contract killers are employed by a variety of governments and businesses to carry out their works. But they're more like tools, so Slade is both the mastermind and the hand that carries it out. And it's quite unfortunate, but the usage of third party corporations and businesses as for hire armies are quite common.

One last note, I wasn't sure whether or not to put that Red Hood reference at the end, or leave it here as a what could have been ending (which would then leave the reader able to choose what happens instead of forcing a conclusion). But the idea of Dick Grayson being every single Batman character there is was irresistible.

Update: For some reason, the page breaks I put in the uploaded document didn't appear, so now I've fixed that. Weird , so weird.


End file.
